Saying Goodbye

30 June 2005

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things to do. Hard when you never know when u r gona see the person again. I ve been constantly reflecting the past month. But i ve never yearned to go home. I ve grown to love Graz for the place it is, and the Global Business Program people who made me feel like we are part of one big family.

And now it is nearly time to go our separate ways, and yeah, sometimes it is near tear-jerking, but like Memo said, ''Live for the moment enjoy moment'.

As usual, I am still pretty much in crontrol, but of course insude i feel sad because all this while, i have been hanging out with these guyz at parties nearly every freaking weekend! They picked me up when I was down - and whipped me into shape. I remember there was a time when every one was down, and also another when all was dead drunk. Those crazy times we shared.

It is the memories that last. Goodbye. For now.

Life

DESREE

Ooh, Yeah
Oh yeah
Oh Life
Oh Life
I'm afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in the park
When there's no one else around
Oh I get the shivers
I don't wanna see a ghost
It's the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
Watch the evening news
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
I'm a superstitious girl
I'm the worst in the world
Never walk under ladders
I keep a rabbits' tail
I'll take you up on a dare
Anytime, anywhere
Name the place, I'll be there
Bungee jumping, I don't care
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life
So after all's said and done
I know I'm not the only one
Life indeed can be fun
If you really want to
Sometimes living out your dreams
Ain't as easy as it seems
You wanna fly around the world
In a beautiful balloon
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Oh life, oh life..

Be Yourself

Audioslave

Someone falls to pieces
Sleepin all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
To finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
And another only fame
Someone tries to hide themself
Down inside their selfish brain
Someone swears his true love
Untill the end of time
Another runs away
Divided or united?
Or is everyone insane?

To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

You can be fading up
And pulled apart
Or been in love
Every single memory of
Could have been faces of love
Dont lose any asleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win love

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Well well so now what?

thanks sammie dear so much for the encouragement! somehow, u seem to know wat i am thinking although number one, we havent seen each other for so long (from ur trip here till now), and also the past three and a half months before u came down! ur message really made me so happy - that u too understand the way i feel!

and im sure i can live life differently - i want to! I really hope that i dont get sucked up in the pace of life back home - i noe how hard it is keep my dreams alive - but i´ve been talking about this wif angeline - and we figured that even if we follow the pace of life in singapore - it doesnt mean that we conform to the visions and norms of the society in which we r brought up in. wat matters is that we haf a wider perspective of things, and we are working towards a goal that we want so badly for ourselves, and not to satisfy wat society wants from us.

i haf a set of goals to fulfill - although i will probably not do all - but im sure and i hope i can realize at least two! Here goes (in no order of priority):
- study german (weekday nights)
- learn horse-riding with papa in malaysia (sundays)
- graphic design @ Lasalle or NAFA (Sammie i need ur advice on this)
- work towards tibet trip in dec 05 and SEA trip in june 06
- get my driving license
- learn stage lighting from SUVEN
- overseas comm service opportunites in India, Nepal, Africa

budgeting for these is actually the hard part. i need to pay off my bills such as my exchange loan, tuition fee loan, phone bill, give mama some money, and of course misc! and i think this will amount to about 500 - 600 a month. gosh and i still need to survive! but im sure i can manage. its my life. and im doing this for me. not for mom, not for pop, not for anyone else. i will find the strength i hope.

for the past 22 yrs i have been doing things not entirely for myself. this trip away from home gave me the opportunity to see possibilities and keep my head in the clouds, but also the perspective to have my feet on the ground. the harsh reality is gona be hard, but i hope my friends will keep me sane and my visions alive. ash told me that taking a year off takes real guts as not everyone will do it. but i dream. and i hope that i will be able to carry on dreaming.

Friends I Have Made

11th June 2005

I lie in bed. My body aching from the crazy concert I had. I am dirty – haven’t washed my hair for 2 weeks, and haven’t bathed for 1 and ½ days now. After the mud and sweat, I am now a Audioslave believer! =)

Looking back at the times I had, I have made friends from all over.

For Austrians, I was closer to Rene, Flo, Christoph and maybe Daniela. And of course, Renate, my landlady. I definitely have met more Austrians, but I don’t think I was ever got to know them better than mere acquaintances.

As for the exchange students, I have formed bonds with Maya (Bulgarian). Anja (Slovenian), Helga (Hungarian), the Chinese people (Shanghainese & studying in the Netherlands), Angeline (Singaporean) and maybe Matthias! (Germany).

I also made friends with some people from the Jazz Academy, Gregor (Slovenian), Phillip (Slovenian) and Peter (Croatian)!

And also Martha – architecture student (Slovenian), Martha – musicology student (Croatian), my magnetic dread maker – Groch in Warsaw, Mark (Polish teacher cum hostel rentalist) and Adam – the cool media academician cum industry consultant! Who can forget the crazy bunch of Hungarians – who are also friends of Helga! Dominique is one crazy Punzi I will remember, Petar is Helga’s boyfriend and Steve is Petar´s brother.

I will keep in my memory the intense violinist at the cozy home-run jazz bar at Barbertengasse, where the owner closed shop and invited me and my friends to join them for home-made wine, food, music and Austrian company! There was an accomplished tenor (Florian), accordion player, pianist (France) and of course The Violinist (Elma). They did a live version of yodeling, piano recital, violin piece and played the accordion. It was a magical night. Simply beautiful.

Of course there were many others, such as Mika (Christoph´s friend at Nova Rock concert), Christoph (Renate’s son), Farie (Helga’s friend from Hungary), the lady from Sydney with a partner in Maribor, Richard McAndrew (Professor from Hawaii), the UK lady at DIG, and many many more. I mean, there are also the rest of the GBP people.

Indeed, it is a bagful of memories that I will carry with me for a long time to come.

Fucking Good!

10th June 2005

Audioslave rocks! I love the band!

It wuz fantastic just fantastic. Nova Rock Concert at Burgenland.
Me and Christoph drove 6 hours to and back just to catch Audioslave and System of a Down live in concert. My gosh. I just came back - still reekin of mud,´on my jeans, on my jacket, and my shoes are totally ruined. But im like wowed. There were like 50000 pple at the concert grounds - it is a four day event. Nice lineup wif Marilyn Manson playin tmr, over the next few dayz r the prodigy, green day....bein the star shows.

We reached Nickelsdorf at 730pm yesterday. Queued up for 40 mins to get our entrance bands. Saw a fight on our way in. When we walked in - tons of slossy mud - coz it wuz drizzlin too - mud and rain - can be more perfect for a rock concert. We saw tons and tons of tents set up - for pple who bout 4 day passes for the festival. So it wuz cool. Saw many pple high on grass - swaggerin on the mud, some walkin with black garbage bags coverin their feet, goth pple, metal, grunge, pple wif pink and purple dreadlocks - weird, punks and normal pple etc.

Dropped our stuff at Mikha´s tent (Chris´s fren who reviews festivals) and headed into the main stage. The band - Wir Sind Helen played - but it wuz German music - i dont like. Music has been goin on since 1pm by the way. Finally at 9-something, Audioslave came out. We were standin somewat in the middle of the crowd - and i couldnt see shit. Tetesterone-filled atmosphere. Then when Audioslave played - everyone went crazy. Jumpin and pushin. Moshpits, body surfin. But the mosh pits in the middle of the crowd is crazy. When they started i thot i wuz gona die on the festival grounds. Coz itz big boyz jumpin and high on music, and thank god i wuz not too short. I figured if i wanted to live, i had to shovel my way to the first wharfbreaker(i think thatz wat it iz). So I did, but Audioslave wuz heavenly. It wuz cold, but with a bit of jumpin and pushin, and warm sticky bodies, the temperature wuz juz right! Bits of rain fallin amidst dazzlin lights, and great great atmosphere, great fans, great showmanship from the band - i wuz in surreal mode for quite a bit. amazin. kudos to chris cornell (front man). the rest of the band members were from rage against the machine. cornell wuz divine - love his vocals, very very versatile. they realli got the crowd rockin.

Then the crowd waited in anticipation for System of a Down to perform. of course i wuz like - bring it on - although i wuz not a big fan of them. but after gettin to nearly the third row from the first wharfbreaker, i thot i wuz safe. boy, when the music started, the crowd got crazy again. i wuz silently prayin that no one would step on my shoelaces, if not i wld surely be stempeded upon. the music wuz headbangin good, fast at the right times. then this huge wave of moshin came - and fuck, like just less than 10 pple were pushed so hard, we fell, and i wuz one of them - but i wuz ok. but bodies were crammed so close to one another - i never had parts of my anatomy touched in the way it wuz in the concert. i swear man, not an inch of space. but it wuz great, the pushin the jumpin in unison, for the common cause of music. strange, i didnt noe that SoAD wuz popular in Austria, it wuz the number one sellin LP - and fans knew all the lyrics to their songs.

Magical. We went back to the tent, had some beers, no grass, sadly, and went to sleep in Daniel´s tent, which wuz fuckin cold. I got up like 20 times from 330am to 730 am. Hardly got any sleep. I hate the cold. So me and Christoph took off at 8am - and made our way back to graz. so here i am now. Livin to tell the tale.

I Pack, I Cry, I Long

5 June 2005

I pack. Sadly aware that in less than 1 month’s time, I will be away from Graz - a place that i fondly call home. It is a place of too many memories - of good & of bad times. I did so many things that I can hardly believe that it had been 3 and 1/2 months.

I have
- seen the lovely Eastern Europe
- become an accomplished chef
- learnt the meaning of living independently
- put on 4.5 kg
- realized that all kinds of people exist
- discovered the delights of Europe in terms of the social system, scenery and way of life.

I cry now for a mix of reasons: for the fact that I am going to leave Graz and her wondrous pace of life. I cry because I cannot enjoy the splendid aura of Venice – I was not selected for the internship. I cry because I am going to leave the people I have met, behind. I cry for the good and bad times in Graz.

Ich bin traurig. 5.30 a.m.

I now know what it means to enjoy life, and that there is more to life than just work. I fear going back to Singapore – the judgment, the norms, the pressure to work and perform. I shudder as I recollect the life that I used to lead, and do not wish to return to that hectic lifestyle that is full of rigid laws and keine enjoyment. I hate the social norms back home. I long to go back sometimes, but not with the intention to stay in the long run. My mind works – maybe prolonging my stay here is still possible?