Slice quote

"But our imagination can also be a source of unnecessary distress and can cause needless strife with others. This is when our thoughts veer frequently and excessively towards the negative. Even when there is hardly any evidence to support it. Feeling inadequate, unattractive or incapable, for example, and allowing these feelings of low self-worth to diminish our quality of life or opportunities. Some of us may even feel envious or threatened and seek to undermine those we assume are better than us. Some of us may even routinely suspect our partner of being flirtatious or having an affair, even though we're more likely indulging our feelings of inadequacy and jealousy, and no evidence exists to substantiate our suspicions. 

A lot of negative overthinking stems from feelings of low confidence and insecurity - because we feel that others are always better than us, we learn to entertain fearful and doubtful thoughts, of things always somehow turning out badly for us. When we can't seem to turn off the flow of foreboding, when we're constantly worrying about how others are judging us, when we're consistently afraid of doing what we really want because we're anxious that others won't accept or approve of it. 

This is the danger of over speculating, over thinking, over analysing. Suspecting or imagining things beyond face value. When we act based purely on our suspicions, we can end up spoiling something or take it on a destructive path. If we are unsure, we should ask. If we can't accept what is presented to us, then we should investigate. But until we uncover the facts, over speculation is dangerous.

Our imagination is a gift, but only if we use it wisely."

- from A Slice of Life by Eugene Loh

Face my fears

Today I apologised to him.

I don't know how, but I have to find methods to control my temper and not flare up so easily. Thanks Hazey for the timely spot and supportive listening ear.

Maybe my blog can help me with it to release. Also I need to exercise regularly to maintain a calm mind. Doing things like retreating into sea and lush mountains never cease to humble me and make me thankful for everything I have. Church and sermons always enlighten me and show me the way when I am lost.

It doesn't help me to complain to my mom because I realize she is not me. She does not know what I am going through. Neither does my masseuse nor my facial lady.

Only I alone with God's guidance will I know how to proceed.

Post Velodrome

I could not get past the blue line on the cycling track.

Maybe it is all in the mind, If I wanted it so badly, I would have fought to get the pass. I felt ashamed after the class.

I learnt an important lesson that all strength comes from your own desire. Be it at work, in sports, and with my personal life.

It is easy to blame Cantonese was a language barrier. But if I was active, it would help myself to clarify any doubts. 

Opportunity will present itself to those who prepare. In my situation, what is my goal? What do I want to achieve in HK? What am I here for? If I know what it is, I must fight for my own happiness and future goals.

The alternative is, do I want to hide and stay in comfort zone for the rest of my life?

*****

I felt lousy and wanted to get better. So I hit the squash courts after. Still practising the back wall drive.

****

Going for 6pm services was incredibly refreshing. Reminded me of helping the poor and having Christ in my heart. I had a few revelations on JF and fitness and work. Have got my answer / closure that I needed on JF. Am happy, relived and have forgiven myself.

Pre Velodrome

Many people do not know what a velodrome is! HK is home to many great cyclists!

To prepare for my session tomorrow, I have these tips from a friend and websites:
- Pick a light bike
- Do not try too hard

“The automatic response, if you are out of control, is to go faster. I would say: relax your upper body. Don’t stop pedalling, but don’t ride as fast as you can. You learn more about yourself and the bike when you are riding steady than when you are going flat out.

“It happens in every taster session I have done, people don’t know how the track works. The bikes are so stiff, so if there is any slight wobble on the bike, if you are tense, then any slight movement will go straight through to the wheels.

“When you are out on the roads you have to turn the handlebars to go around corners but on the track bike it is all about shifting body weight. Some people try to steer and that can throw you off a bit – you have to lean into the bends. It is very fluid, it is a lovely feeling.

“It is very serene, all you need to do is lean in and you don’t have to grip the handle bars too tight. Every movement affects the bike – it is quite a simple sport but you have got a lot to think about.”

"Don’t stop pedalling – it is a fixed wheel bike – just keep pedalling, you will be fine.”

“It is so simple: it is a bike with one gear and no brakes, all you have to do is pedal. I love it for that because it is so simple. Just relax, and make sure you enjoy it, and take it all in.

“Very new riders to the track go so fast, they are that worried that their bike is going to slip. You see guys who go on the track three times a week and we ride really slowly.”

Read more at http://totalwomenscycling.com

Live my life without you

This tune kept replaying in my mind on a Wednesday evening.
Always reminds me of JF.

Sad that I had to end something so beautiful
yet which caused me much conflict.

I did not know how to tell you,
that the way I perceived a piano piece you played for me,
was different from the way you read it.
I saw panic
You saw calm

Our interests for adventure
Was satisfying enough
yet i was adamant to impose
my political views.
And that was wrong of me
In the 4 mths that lapsed
I matured
Realized there is no right or wrong in one's political beliefs

I wish you love,
I wish us eternity,
Friendship, banishment
or what God has prepared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long, with you I see forever
Oh, so clearly, I might have been in love before

But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They'll take us where we want to go

If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me

You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too

~George Benson

Departure CX734

Leaving my family behind is never easy.
Usually it is the people whom I leave behind
The parents who have to make the journey
Back to JB by themselves

Luckily I have baby Dylan for them to look forward
Another place another child to represent
Hopes, love and continuity.

Thinking about mom and the motorcycle thief
Who caused her to fall
Yet she would stubbornly cling on to her bag
To her, her Xiaomi and her cash were worth
Putting up a struggle for.

Hearing her bruises which last for over 3 weeks
I wanted to help give some relief
At my guilt at not being close enough

Dad asked today if we can give them a roof
Over their heads when they were old
How could I answer?

This trip home represented reconnecting
With my friends from Uni
Also with my brother and mom over waffles
Momentarily but bridged months of being away

People ask when I am going to come back
Most probably sooner than we expect

~Writen to the tune of mason embry trio on the flight

Thank You

I am thankful for my loving family who never fail to pick me up when I am down. They listen to me, and teach me grow to in spite of my challenges. They make me feel loved, precious and remind me deeply of my self-worth.

I am thankful that I have a job and colleagues that I enjoy working with. Solving problems, meeting new clients. Every day is different. I yearn for a different type of challenge very soon.

I am thankful to have my masseuse and facial therapist to give me advice and allow me to recharge myself everytime I visit them beautiful ladies. I will not be the healthy, gorgeous me without them. They remind me not to take things I have for granted.

I am thankful for squash to remind me to improve myself and be patient to achieve my goals steadily. And for a fellow country man as my brilliant coach.

I am thankful for my friends in HK who organize food outings for the soul, to laugh at myself and learn. To be my family and share experiences together in a foreign land.

I am thankful for church every Sunday, listening to God's words, to stay humble and grounded in whatever I do. Giving me a 45 minute space to reflect and be grateful for my health.

I am thankful for my magic hands who can cook delightful dishes and cakes, for only me to comfort and taste fully curing me from homesickness. Bonding with friends by sharing food made with heart.

I am thankful for Hong Kong, which represents the intriguing city buzz, mountains and beaches. Not all, most importantly imbibing in me a little of the resolute perseverance, ingenius creativity and priceless human touch.

Dear J

I have to admit there are days after massage that I yearn for your usual presence at the entrance.
Reminisce the days at the Pak Tin Playground, each with a can of beer in hand.

We talk about our day, admire the sky, the clouds Mr. Moon and the neighbours around.

We felt 开心其实很简单, but it simplicity was not the name of the game.  

 "人与人之间的关系是一个很高的学问" ~ Quote from Queenie says that

A lot of communication, understanding and acceptance is needed

Bar that every day beyond a year is painful.

Coming three months

I am at peace with my decision 

Prayer

“Weeping may remain or a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”  (Psalm 30:5)

 Please give me the strength to get through each day as my heart slowly heals.
Help me to grow and gain wisdom from this experience. 
But most of all, help me not to give up on myself, on You or on love. 
I believe that You have created me to love and to be loved. 
Give me your courage to open my heart to the possibility of loving again, faithfully and joyfully and fully. 
Amen.

All That I Need

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I took for granted all you gave so freely to me
I prayed it's not too late
To save you from a broken heart
To promise you I'll make a brand new start
Believe me when i say

You are all that I need
The only treasure I see
You're the air that helps me breathe
through the darkest night
When I fall down on my knees
I was blind but now I see
You are all that I need

When no one far from perfect
Like a child that needs a guiding hand
Can you stay here with me
I finally understand
You've always been the missing part
Complete the jigsaw puzzle of my heart
You are all that I need...

Corrinne May