Nights Like This

4.21am

It is nights like this.
I toss and turn once,
And I lay unblinking,
Wide awake.
Not knowing whether or not
to return to a dreamless sleep.

Setting on the kitchen table:
Honey, Dettol cream, Scalpisil
3-合-1 packet of Milo
¼ cup of Cup of cheap Ceylon Indian tea
Squeezed lemon left inside the cup
1/3 left of opened tee butter
A plate of hardened bread with crumbs all over
A dead rolled-up fly on the floor
The New Confessions by William Boyd,
Page 15 and 16 flat against the table
Covers of the book staring at me
from behind my laptop.

I am not hungry.
I started with tea and lemon,
But thinking it was no harm in finishing up my long overdue bread,
Opened up the butter, and started to slice the bread,
Only to have it crumble in my face.

The gnawing itch in my head,
It is fucking irritating.
Not only up in there, also in my legs and my thighs.
I cant get to sleep; Nor can I read in peace
Again, thoughts zit through my head.
Spinning into an uncontrollable ball of
Desires and thoughts scanning across the lexicon
of my maturing self.

Ash ash, dear ash, the emails are a constant reminder
Of the memories we had.
Almost every day I cant help but reflect
Some would call it Payback time,
Unfinished business if you would have it.
To me its just a fine line between the former and letting go.
You know what I want,
So help me please.

It was great, fantastic even, hearing adrian’s strangely subdued voice
I had expected more excitement, maybe its been 2 weeks,
But still a GA in Std Chart is no mean feat.
Good to know things are still the same
Coz we still have differing ideas on
What it is to have
A totally Wanked up holiday job.

I had missed mommies voice.
Strange but true.
Routines like this
Has ironically, in a good way maybe,
been nagged into my system.
Forgive me dad, but I thought I heard
Ur tear-stricken voice over the phone.
Damp with emotion, I know you guyz
Would want me back.
Expectations of returning in june refaded into existence
When I very well know, my choice of future
Is as unpredictable as
whats going to happen
the day after tomorrow.
I cast as wider net of ambition
Hungrycravingeagerexciteduncertainopen
I will run as far as the distance will take me

One more thing,
I think I would raze my hair to the ground soon enough
If I continue to have sleepless nights like this
But I would lose a bet. Hell no –
Remind me to pray to God
For everything I have and do not have.

**This little piece I wrote, I know its really messed up, but really it’s a collection of my thoughts. The setting on the table part is meant to be a lil’ illustration of the cooking recipes I have been closely following the past few days, to great success! Not deliberately though, but it just came by way of thought. And Id like you guyz to imagine the setting, like in a play, coz I really miss reading English plays and directing. Anything Goes, the latest musical in town by SMU is gona be staged the first few days in July in NAFA. Catch it if you can! It is much bigger than Barefoot, and my heart and kudos goes out to those in the scene! Exciting!